Post by oxycontinrush on May 28, 2008 14:51:25 GMT -5
And now, the McCain't Saga, in its entirety ...
It's 3:00 A.M. ...the phone rings ...John McCain,
careful not to disturb Lieberman, springs into
action! After shedding his freshly soiled diaper, he
takes hold of his walker, and embarks on the 1 hour
trek to ...the other side of the bed where the phone
is located!
"It's now 3:45 A.M., and as McCain't nears the
second and final turn in his epic journey to the
telephone, the 1rst wave of nukes hit their U.S.
targets, shaking McCain'ts dentures loose, and
bringing his response to a grinding...err,uhh,
gumming halt!"
In his haste to get to the telephone, John failed to
notice that his distended rectum had somehow
become entangled on the post at the foot of the
bed, and as he made the first left, stretching the already
worn out fourth transplant as far as it would go,
he was snapped back, off his feet, and headfirst
into the wall. John sat there dazed, squealing... "Oh
well, at least I get to take Bush, Cheney and all
those "f"ing Gooks with me when I blow up the
world five minutes from now..."
It's now 4:10 A.M. McCain'ts rectally triggered
flashback shrieking, though not breaking Lieberman's
slumber (probably due to the GHB McCain't had given
him earlier), did garner enough of his attention to
scare the crap out of him...to McCaint's detriment,
as the resulting "shrapnel pile" was cause for McCain't to have to make a detour...on the longer length of the bed! Going around the "Lieberman Loaf", McCain't got the chills, as people even wayyyy younger than him are prone to do, & he made a pit stop at the thermostat, to nudge-up the heat a bit.
Finally reaching the phone, the voice on the other
end shakily proclaims..."Mr. President, Los Angeles,
San Francisco, New York, Boston, and especially Chevy
Chase Maryland are incinerated! What do you want us
to do?" McCain't replies..." Please hold a few
minutes, I seem to have forgot my hearing aid!"
Making his way back along the side of the bed,
McCaint's memory fails him, as even more people
wayyy,wayyy younger than him are prone to have happen
to them, and he slips on the aforementioned
"Lieberman Loaf"! Trying to grab the bed to stop his
fall, he accidently pulls Lieberman over on top of
him...both face down and facing opposite ends of the
bed! Lieberman,although still in a GHB induced
slumber, detects a scent he's enountered countless
times before, and becomes aroused. Sporting 4" of
Kosher Connecticut wood, he begins thrashing McCain't
about the back of the head which, of course, ignites
yet another psycotic flashback episode in
McCain't...
After 2-3 minutes of vigorously skull-throttling McCain't, Lieberman produces a generous release, then returns to the lifeless, catatonic state he is known to exhibit in the Senate. As the viscous goo plastered on McCaint's cranium cools, it produces a calming effect on him, and as he eases out of his flashback, he realizes the man atop him is to big to be oriental...and that he's managed to get himself into quite a "pre-dic-ament". Acting on his insticts, he quickly formulates an escape plan. He forcefully cinches-up, thrusting Lieberman's nasal apparatus aside and, remembering the elastic qualities of his distended, stretched-out rectum, he grabs ahold of it, and slings it across to and around one of the bedpost on the far side of the bed. With a mighty tug, he catapults himself underneath the bed! Emerging on the other side, sticky, and covered in "Lieberman Loaf", McCain't grabs his hearing aid from the nightstand. Glancing down at the purple and brown, swollen, pulsing, and bleeding length of what once was his sphincter, McCain't realized he would not be able to reuse it to slingshot himself back to the other side of the bed. He was wondering "what would mother do" when it came to him... he remembered what his mother had taught him about "field hemorrhoid removal" that she had learned from a military manual she was issued when she served as a wench in Gen. Custer's Cavalry Unit. He opened the nightstand drawer, grabbed some rubberbands, and tied them around the rectal protrusion thinking...by the time I get around this bed, it'll surely have dried-up and fallen off! McCain'ts military training kicking-in, he begins to seek a shorter path to his objective. "Eureka!" he proclaims, as he considers crawling-over the bed...but as he glances at the expansive "wet spot" that permeates much of its surface, McCain recognizes that this is not a viable route, as he knows that even for people wayyy, wayyy, wayyy younger than him, slick surfaces are an enemy! Resigned to making the same long trip back around the bed, McCain't sets forth on his quest to save the world... until... he makes the second left, and is faced with a new dilemma as, lying before him, he is confronted with a naked Lieberman, lying face-down in a still steamy pile of his own excrement. At that moment, a ghastly...err, uhh, ghostly apparition that strangely mirrored that of his mother appeared and warned..." remember what I always told you son, "F" the M O R M O N S..."F" the MORMONS! "Moms right" McCain't thought..."I don't have time for this now". Then, another crisis...apparently he had not closed the nightstand drawer all the way, and his inverted poop-chute had snagged it, preventing him from venturing any further. He realized he would have to revive Lieberman, and have him take "the call". Angry, McCain't attempted to free himself, but only managed to open a tear in the firmly snared chute. This caused such immense pain, McCain't began to regurgitate violently...all over Lieberman. The intensity of his heaving caused John to lose control of other body functions, and he began to urinate on Lieberman as well. Aroused, Lieberman emerged from his comatose state wondering at first...have I died and gone to Heaven...then as he regained his senses, he said..." smells like Cindy's burning breakfast, shall I fetch you a plate John?" "Yes" John replied, "but first, I need you to do something for me. my a$$ is tied-up right now, and I need you to answer the phone...I think it might be "the call". After Lieberman answers, then hangs up the phone, John asked..."what did they say?" Lieberman tells him..."They just kept saying OH GOD! OH GOD! I told 'em they definitely had the wrong number, and hung-up!" "Good, Joe" John said..."Oh, and Joe, a couple of things... be careful not to trip-over part of me on the way out, speaking of which, tell Cindy to hold the prune juice. For these rubberbands to be able to rid me of my new appendage, I'm gonna need to dry-up for awhile! And, you might want to clean-up a bit...all the assorted human waste you are covered in makes you look like one of Ann Coulter's PAP smears, and I wouldn't want Cindy to get the wrong idea...afterall, I told her you were my speed dealing masseuse!" "Oh yeah" John said..."Joe, would you please check on Mother on your way downstairs, I think she may have been sleep-walking again last night." "Sure John dear" Joe replied, as he made his way to the shower. After glancing at the clock and seeing it was now 9:15 A.M., John looked towards the bedroom window, and noticed it was still dark outside, and he thought...funny, I don't remember those mushroom clouds being there before...oh well, surely things will be better once I've had my morning "cup of Joe"
It's 3:00 A.M. ...the phone rings ...John McCain,
careful not to disturb Lieberman, springs into
action! After shedding his freshly soiled diaper, he
takes hold of his walker, and embarks on the 1 hour
trek to ...the other side of the bed where the phone
is located!
"It's now 3:45 A.M., and as McCain't nears the
second and final turn in his epic journey to the
telephone, the 1rst wave of nukes hit their U.S.
targets, shaking McCain'ts dentures loose, and
bringing his response to a grinding...err,uhh,
gumming halt!"
In his haste to get to the telephone, John failed to
notice that his distended rectum had somehow
become entangled on the post at the foot of the
bed, and as he made the first left, stretching the already
worn out fourth transplant as far as it would go,
he was snapped back, off his feet, and headfirst
into the wall. John sat there dazed, squealing... "Oh
well, at least I get to take Bush, Cheney and all
those "f"ing Gooks with me when I blow up the
world five minutes from now..."
It's now 4:10 A.M. McCain'ts rectally triggered
flashback shrieking, though not breaking Lieberman's
slumber (probably due to the GHB McCain't had given
him earlier), did garner enough of his attention to
scare the crap out of him...to McCaint's detriment,
as the resulting "shrapnel pile" was cause for McCain't to have to make a detour...on the longer length of the bed! Going around the "Lieberman Loaf", McCain't got the chills, as people even wayyyy younger than him are prone to do, & he made a pit stop at the thermostat, to nudge-up the heat a bit.
Finally reaching the phone, the voice on the other
end shakily proclaims..."Mr. President, Los Angeles,
San Francisco, New York, Boston, and especially Chevy
Chase Maryland are incinerated! What do you want us
to do?" McCain't replies..." Please hold a few
minutes, I seem to have forgot my hearing aid!"
Making his way back along the side of the bed,
McCaint's memory fails him, as even more people
wayyy,wayyy younger than him are prone to have happen
to them, and he slips on the aforementioned
"Lieberman Loaf"! Trying to grab the bed to stop his
fall, he accidently pulls Lieberman over on top of
him...both face down and facing opposite ends of the
bed! Lieberman,although still in a GHB induced
slumber, detects a scent he's enountered countless
times before, and becomes aroused. Sporting 4" of
Kosher Connecticut wood, he begins thrashing McCain't
about the back of the head which, of course, ignites
yet another psycotic flashback episode in
McCain't...
After 2-3 minutes of vigorously skull-throttling McCain't, Lieberman produces a generous release, then returns to the lifeless, catatonic state he is known to exhibit in the Senate. As the viscous goo plastered on McCaint's cranium cools, it produces a calming effect on him, and as he eases out of his flashback, he realizes the man atop him is to big to be oriental...and that he's managed to get himself into quite a "pre-dic-ament". Acting on his insticts, he quickly formulates an escape plan. He forcefully cinches-up, thrusting Lieberman's nasal apparatus aside and, remembering the elastic qualities of his distended, stretched-out rectum, he grabs ahold of it, and slings it across to and around one of the bedpost on the far side of the bed. With a mighty tug, he catapults himself underneath the bed! Emerging on the other side, sticky, and covered in "Lieberman Loaf", McCain't grabs his hearing aid from the nightstand. Glancing down at the purple and brown, swollen, pulsing, and bleeding length of what once was his sphincter, McCain't realized he would not be able to reuse it to slingshot himself back to the other side of the bed. He was wondering "what would mother do" when it came to him... he remembered what his mother had taught him about "field hemorrhoid removal" that she had learned from a military manual she was issued when she served as a wench in Gen. Custer's Cavalry Unit. He opened the nightstand drawer, grabbed some rubberbands, and tied them around the rectal protrusion thinking...by the time I get around this bed, it'll surely have dried-up and fallen off! McCain'ts military training kicking-in, he begins to seek a shorter path to his objective. "Eureka!" he proclaims, as he considers crawling-over the bed...but as he glances at the expansive "wet spot" that permeates much of its surface, McCain recognizes that this is not a viable route, as he knows that even for people wayyy, wayyy, wayyy younger than him, slick surfaces are an enemy! Resigned to making the same long trip back around the bed, McCain't sets forth on his quest to save the world... until... he makes the second left, and is faced with a new dilemma as, lying before him, he is confronted with a naked Lieberman, lying face-down in a still steamy pile of his own excrement. At that moment, a ghastly...err, uhh, ghostly apparition that strangely mirrored that of his mother appeared and warned..." remember what I always told you son, "F" the M O R M O N S..."F" the MORMONS! "Moms right" McCain't thought..."I don't have time for this now". Then, another crisis...apparently he had not closed the nightstand drawer all the way, and his inverted poop-chute had snagged it, preventing him from venturing any further. He realized he would have to revive Lieberman, and have him take "the call". Angry, McCain't attempted to free himself, but only managed to open a tear in the firmly snared chute. This caused such immense pain, McCain't began to regurgitate violently...all over Lieberman. The intensity of his heaving caused John to lose control of other body functions, and he began to urinate on Lieberman as well. Aroused, Lieberman emerged from his comatose state wondering at first...have I died and gone to Heaven...then as he regained his senses, he said..." smells like Cindy's burning breakfast, shall I fetch you a plate John?" "Yes" John replied, "but first, I need you to do something for me. my a$$ is tied-up right now, and I need you to answer the phone...I think it might be "the call". After Lieberman answers, then hangs up the phone, John asked..."what did they say?" Lieberman tells him..."They just kept saying OH GOD! OH GOD! I told 'em they definitely had the wrong number, and hung-up!" "Good, Joe" John said..."Oh, and Joe, a couple of things... be careful not to trip-over part of me on the way out, speaking of which, tell Cindy to hold the prune juice. For these rubberbands to be able to rid me of my new appendage, I'm gonna need to dry-up for awhile! And, you might want to clean-up a bit...all the assorted human waste you are covered in makes you look like one of Ann Coulter's PAP smears, and I wouldn't want Cindy to get the wrong idea...afterall, I told her you were my speed dealing masseuse!" "Oh yeah" John said..."Joe, would you please check on Mother on your way downstairs, I think she may have been sleep-walking again last night." "Sure John dear" Joe replied, as he made his way to the shower. After glancing at the clock and seeing it was now 9:15 A.M., John looked towards the bedroom window, and noticed it was still dark outside, and he thought...funny, I don't remember those mushroom clouds being there before...oh well, surely things will be better once I've had my morning "cup of Joe"